The annual Geoff Awards have taken place and for the first time ever, we’re all winners. This is because an Elden Ring pot boy waddled onto stage, outdoing every World Premiere (said in World Premiere voice) and cemented his place as next in line to Geoff’s throne.
Pot boy was there to deliver news of a new Elden Ring story trailer, which was itself good news. You can see it below.
Someone else has helpfully clipped out pot boy's appearance. Things to note: Geoff introduces pot boy as “pot friend” and says he “should put on a bow tie or something”. How DARE you? Sorry, but when you’re in the company of a royal, you need to address them properly and with decorum. Would a deep bow have gone amiss? Some smart shoes?! Air Jordans just aren’t going to cut it, man.
You can detect the reluctance from pot boy. At 43 seconds in, you see Geoff pry the letter from pot boy's hand with force. A moment later, pot boy lowers his arm in anger and turns to the audience as if to say, “One day, I will stop him.” For a second, I thought he’d spin around slowly and attempt a backwards elbow to Geoff’s shins.
Can I just say that pot boy looks good, too? His design is super detailed, with battle scars on full display, and a nice top-coating of wax dripping down his sides. Good lank on the arms, with the iconic stumpy legs driven by a regal roomba of sorts. His creator should be proud. It does make me wonder what it’s like being the person who made this pot boy. Imagine being able to hug him, or pat him on his cold back. Is he hollow? Would a slap to his belly make a thud, or ring? Pot boy's maker must know what’s happens when you prize open his wax seal, too. I bet he contains loads of pairs of socks, like those massive two-for-one baskets at the entrance to each and every Sports Direct across the UK. That’s what a true king would provide to his peons, anyway.
Actually, thinking about it, a bow wouldn't be an authentic greeting. That's not the way you should greet a pot in Souls games. Traditionally, one must always roll into them, and thus, shatter them into pieces. Really, Geoff should've followed suit and placed his microphone on the ground and done a forward roll into the pot boy. Or like, at least one of those forward rolls you do at a slight angle if you can't fully commit to the roll. Obviously not with the intention of shattering pot boy, but just to acknowledge his presence in a way in-keeping with the games.
And what about that story trailer eh? Not a single pot in sight, but still a great cinematic. Familiar slices of mystery which make little sense, narrated by a pallid doll sporting four arms, two heads, and a rather chilly looking bonnet hat. Thing is, this might be one of the least confusing From Software trailers I've seen in a while. Often they're couched in even more vagueness, as opposed to this one, which at least lays out a thread of a story.
Next year, I imagine a new story will unfold alongside Elden Ring, and that's pot boy becoming the new host of The Game Awards. He will have swallowed Geoff whole and he wear a bow tie to spite the man who wronged him. Bring on 2022.