Rock, Paper, Shotgun

Imagine never having to study another simulation game keyguide. Imagine if the eject key in Phantom Ace wasn’t the quickstart engine key in Eurofighter Low Level. Imagine if SHIFT+B activated the handbrake in OMSI: London, the parking brake in F-111: Hour of the Aardvark, and the anchor in Man o’ War IV. Imagine if there was a Victorian pram gathering dust in your attic, a Victorian pram inhabited by a malevolent, smallpox-riddled Mr. Punch.

Actually, skip that last one. Just imagine that the makers of vehicle games suddenly discovered solidarity and stopped trying our patience with myriad similar-but-not-quite-similar-enough control schemes. Read the rest of this entry »

Check mirror. Indicate. Pull out. Nod at passing tram driver. Coast towards red traffic light. Dab brakes. Slide open side window. Feel cool night air on skin. Smell lilacs. Remember lilac bush that grew beside the war memorial at Pastinakweg. Picture Kathrin. Remember that holiday at Lake Balaton in ’93. Grin. Accelerate. Accelerate some more. Curse after clipping kerb at Oberfeld. Sound horn at cheeky bus lane-blocking Golf. Nose into heavy traffic near Kagraner Platz. Contemplate trail of tail lights twinkling like a flare path on Breitenleer Strasse. Read the rest of this entry »

Meet Unimog, the Flare Path mouser. He owes his name to his love of clambering and off-piste adventure. Why, this very morning I spotted the little scamp nosing around inside the turret of a Steel Beasts Pro Personal Edition story, sharpening his claws on a free chunk of Combat Mission Fortress Italy: Gustav Line, and enjoying a nap atop the warm fuselage of an obscure chopper sim demo. Read the rest of this entry »

How rude. I sidle off to the seaside for a week of sun, sand, and saucy postcard scrutiny and instead of downing tools and waiting patiently for my return, the World’s wargame workshops and sim smithies press on regardless. Combat Mission’s assault on the Gustav Line appears to have commenced in my absence. DoorKickers’ doorkickers are now toting sledgehammers and breaching charges. Blimey, even the forest-furrowingly brilliant Spintires seems to be on the verge of slithering out of the Siberian slough where it’s been bogged for ages. Read the rest of this entry »

Every day is D-Day -1 for the busy Seabees at Slitherine Software. An Epsom-based outfit that started life constructing singular sword-and-sandal TBSs, is now, thanks to a slew of acquisitions and a dazzlingly dynamic approach to talent spotting/signing, the dominant force in PC wargame publishing. During the coming year, company chieftain Iain McNeil will be overseeing more than fifty releases. Realising I knew little about the firm’s founder, philosophy, or plans, I dragged Iain away from a red-hot field radio and a sand table crowded with 15mm Hoplites, Panzer Grenadiers, astronauts and Space Marines for a chat. Read the rest of this entry »

Mr. Petrie (R.E.) is minutes away from losing control of 2C again. The Ascension Day questions started harmlessly enough (“How fast did he go up, Sir?”, “Did he wave to the Apossums?”) . It was only when Angela Jessop opened her mouth that the lesson began to disintegrate. Angela is of the opinion that Daedalus and Icarus were frauds, and Jesus was, technically, the first aviator. Her assertion that the Son of God probably owned an invisible helicopter, is, like all of Angela’s assertions, difficult to dispute. Mr Petrie mumbles something about omnipotence then closes his eyes, surrendering to the growing hubbub. Mentally he’s already at home, a glass of chilled Budvar in his hand, an evening of undisturbed Formula Truck and DCS UH-1H Huey stretching blissfully ahead of him. Read the rest of this entry »

Wakey-wakey, rise and spend! Jackie is blowing her utility trumpet because she wants the world to know that three old wargames have just had their prices slashed. As conveying detailed sale information with valveless brass instruments is notoriously tricky, it will be left up to Jackie’s assistant Jean (Out of picture. Armed with a Glockenspiel 17.) to explain that the games in question are John Tiller’s Battleground Civil War, Forge of Freedom: The American Civil War and The Great Battles Collector’s Edition. Read the rest of this entry »

The Flare Path lights are dimmed today, the wind socks are at half mast. Jim Mackonochie, one of the most influential, approachable, and well-liked figures in flight simulation died on Tuesday. If you’ve flown a faithfully simulated military jet at any point during the last quarter century, there’s a good chance you’ve enjoyed a game that Jim signed or nurtured. Though most closely associated with Eagle Dynamics creations like Flanker and DCS World, his combination of unquenchable aero enthusiasm and incomparable industry experience also Pavewayed the way for the Falcon series and the early Rowan sims. Read the rest of this entry »

In the summer of 2001 I bought a copy of This Blessed Plot at a village fête for 20p, never suspecting that the hefty tome was destined to sit unfinished on my bookshelf for the next twelve years. My failure to get any further than chapter 3 – ‘Russell Bretherton’ – I’ve always blamed on Hugo Young, Russell Bretherton, or Tim Stone (Perhaps I’m not as interested in Britain’s troubled relationship with Europe as I thought I was). A recent forum comment from the boss of the World’s busiest computer wargame publisher suggests another possible cause. Perhaps the book was simply too cheap.

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This week’s hunk of ‘huh?’ was going to be devoted to four ZX Spectrum wargames inextricably linked with the late Margaret Thatcher. Unfortunately, having checked my files, I now realise Operation Solstice, Battleground Orgreave, and Where There Is Discord were just taproom fantasies dreamt up by me and my mate Lee some time in the early Nineties. We never actually got round to making them. The Crash cover, the sedition charges, the infamous Wogan interview where I ended-up head-butting Barbara Cartland… none of that actually happened. Read the rest of this entry »

I realise this could cause resentment, but it has to be said. Readers #52, #298, and #611, of all the people that regularly peruse this column, you are definitely my favourites. #298, that thing you do with your bottom lip when you’re reading pieces about unexpected OMSI add-ons. Adorable! #611, the way you turn down the radio and shush Minter, your foul-mouthed minah bird, before watching vids on monumental Outerra architecture. Have you any idea how charming that is? And #52… wise, loyal, long-suffering 52, you’re my Blackburn Roc. No-one but you reads every word of these idiotic intros week in, week out. No-one else nods enthusiastically when I brazenly claim Perfect Distance was last year’s most interesting wargame.

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