Posts Tagged ‘Premature Evaluation’

Premature Evaluation: Pit People

Every Monday we send Brendan on a cartoonish quest to kill or capture an early access game and force it to battle in the fighting pits. This week, the comic antics of Pit People [official site].

Oh thank god, it’s funny. Having missed Castle Crashers and BattleBlock Theater, previous games from The Behemoth, I didn’t know what kind of comedy to expect. When I heard the South Parky voice of this game’s antagonistic narrator (the same voice actor from their previous game), I feared the worst – second-hand dick jokes, gateway satire, walking talking poops. I was relieved to feel my first lol, the result of a character’s quick, unexpected death and the narrator’s flamboyant disregard. It’s also a decent strategy game, which isn’t a genre I’d usually associate with giant purple bears bleeding onto the surface of the earth. But there you go.
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Premature Evaluation – Art of War: Red Tides

Every Monday, we put Brendan in charge of a horde of early access games and force them to do battle. This week, the single-lane strategy of Art of War: Red Tides.

The evolutionary tree of the MOBA is a sprawling, mutated mess. While Warcraft got Dota, somewhere on some oozing far-off branch, Starcraft II got Desert Strike, a ‘tug of war’ custom game mode that pits commanders against one another on a single lane and automates nearly all troop movements and attacks. The only thing you do is control the flow of cash and decide what troops to send in the next wave. Imagine being in charge of the creep spawner in a normal MOBA and deciding that you don’t want these useless green lizards anymore, but some giant, furious mechs instead. You’ve got the basic idea. Art of War: Red Tides is the next slimey bud on that same evolutionary branch. It’s quite relaxing.
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Premature Evaluation: Virtual-O

Every Monday we abandon Brendan in a forest with a map and an early access game. This week, the hardcore orienteering of Virtual-O [official site].

“These rocks are definitely the correct rocks,” I think, as the sun glares down through the trees of a Czech wood. A flock of birds passes through the sky in the distance. Grass and twigs rustle under my feet as I look around for the control – a small orange and white square that serves as a checkpoint for this countryside time trial. Ah, there it is. I run towards it, feeling relief that I am not as lost as I previously thought. The checkpoint buzzes with disdain. A message flashes up. “Wrong control,” it says. I frown and look helplessly at the forest. The rocks lied to me.
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Premature Evaluation: Battle Brothers

Every Monday we find Brendan sulking in a tavern and recruit him into our brigade of early access mercenaries. This week, the tough, turn-based strategy of Battle Brothers [official site].

The life of a sellsword is not a forgiving one. But don’t take my word for it – ask José the Dog Whisperer, who has just been pushed into a narrow hole by a gang of heavily armoured Orcs and savagely sliced to bits from all sides. Oh, I suppose you can’t. Well, you could ask Fibs O’Hanlon, but no, now that I think about it, he was also stabbed until death. Let’s see, what about Dietrich With No Surname? Yes, he’s the one without the head. Oh, oh I see what you mean.
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Premature Evaluation: Stellar Tactics

Every week we wake Brendan from his cryo-slumber and present him with an early access game. This week, the sci-fi zombies and janky combat of Stellar Tactics [official site].

Everything about the premise of Stellar Tactics suggests a game that is so far up my street, it is practically in my house – a squad-based science fiction RPG with extensive character customisation, space travel and tactical turn-based combat. In other words, XCOM in a wider, explorable universe. So I should be disappointed when my last soldier, a frighteningly perceptive riflewoman called Shirley Not, dies at the clawed hands of the opening mission’s zombie bad dudes. But really, I am just relieved. It is the perfect excuse to stop playing. Read the rest of this entry »

Premature Evaluation – Ultimate General: Civil War

Every week we dispatch Brendan onto the battlefields of early access alongside a battalion of eager troops. This week, he attempts to become a renowned tactician for the Union in Ultimate General: Civil War [official site].

I don’t know much about this period of American history, except that Abraham Lincoln was the goodie and Clint Eastwood won the war by blowing up a bridge with a Mexican friend. But I do like a good strategy game, the practice of shunting little toy soldiers about and watching as long bits of geometry engulf other, smaller bits of geometry. So come with me if you want to see what it’s like to “draw” a war.
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Premature Evaluation: Delver

Every Monday, we arm Brendan with a tiny dagger and push him into the early access ruins. This week, the catacombs of retro dungeon-crawler Delver [official site].

I stabbed the green man in a panic, and he hit me back with a big stick. Wow, you don’t get that much health to start with, I thought, and kept stabbing. I stabbed until he fell down in a pile of pixelly blood and meat. But something else also fell out of him. It was shining and warbling. That must be loot. I moved to pick it up. The warbling got louder. The warbling increased to a high pitch, the item started to flash rapidly. Huh? I thought, as the piece of loot exploded and killed me.
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